I want, so desperately, to be able to look into your eyes and see the love I feel for you reflected back at me.
I desire, so deeply, to be able to reach across the table and take your hand without fearing that you will pull away from my touch.
Hebrews 11:1 says:
Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. (New Living Translation)
So, I am trying to look at our marriage with eyes of faith…eyes that find assurance that the will of God is for us to honor the pledge we made to one another almost twenty years ago. I’m trying to calm my breaking heart in the hope that God is not slow in keeping His promises. (2 Peter 2:9 – I know I’m taking it out of context, but my prayer is that God’s promises are true and will be realized in our relationship.)
This space of in-between is exhausting. This place of living where I have the information that you say you no longer love me yet I carry around with me the belief that God put us together for a reason and that it wasn’t a temporary thing. This desire for reconciliation and renewal.
You are my bride, my love, my most beloved friend. I yearn to be allowed to speak my heart to you without fear of rejection. Without fear of your sad smile and shaking head; your voice telling me the quicker I accept the reality the sooner I will heal.
I don’t want this aching to heal the way you want it to heal.
And, so, I have no choice but to continue to find assurance in the things I can’t yet see, believing in what I desperately hope for.
Believing in my love for you.