Never.

I don’t love you anymore.

I remember the moment, the place, the angle of the sun, the smell in the park. I know the precise heartbeat when suspicions became real, fears were confirmed, and my life changed.

I haven’t loved you for years.

I’m not sure I believe those words, but she does. And, I suppose, that’s what counts. My doubts aren’t bringing her home.

I’m done being your wife.

It’s the punctuation at the end of a horrible sentence. The declaration of her independence.

I will never live with you again.

Never.

It’s a finality that won’t be overturned. A sentence with no parole. The sound of the book closing for the last time.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Right now, I’m feeling like it really is the end. I’ve been holding on to hope for eight months and the only change in my wife that I have seen is that she has become even more resolved in her insistence that she will never come back. I still believe that God brought us together. I still believe that He could heal us. I still know that I would come back together with her in a heartbeat. I just don’t see anything close to that happening and the hurt feels greater than the hope these days.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I will never fail you.

I remember the moments when my heart has felt like it was failing me, but God didn’t leave. When my wife has declared her disdain for me, but God has whispered his acceptance. When the promises came unglued, but the assurance of new mercies every day stood solid.

I will never abandon you.

Feeling abandoned has sort of become my currency. It is the fragrance of my life at the moment, but it isn’t the substance of my soul. I am not abandoned by the Father who shaped me and delights in me and holds me when all I want to do is crawl into some dark corner and disappear. I am not abandoned and I keep repeating that reality to myself so I will begin to believe it in my core.

Nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate [you] from the love of God…

This life story isn’t turning out like I want it to, but nothing that has been said or felt or broken has diminished the absolute endurance of God’s love.

I will never love you again. I will never stop loving you.

Thank You, Lord, for that promise. I am so grateful that – no matter what – You are good and Your faithful love never ends.

Advertisements

One thought on “Never.

  1. David,
    I feel like you wrote this for me!!! I have so much felt exactly what you wrote. You have brought tears to my eyes and my heart is breaking……again. We will survive. We will be strong. Not hard. Our hearts will become softer because we will have so much compassion for others. We know pain. We know suffering. But we will have strength for ourselves, our children and for others that need us.

    Wendi

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s