I deserve disapproval.
It’s easy for me to try and justify my misguided actions, to explain away my curt or hurtful words, to rationalize the times I’ve chosen the less-than-holy option. The reality is, though, that I don’t deserve another chance or an understanding smile.
I deserve disapproval.
Ultimately, I deserve death.
I’m so grateful that I don’t get what I deserve.
In this season of my life, when I walk around everyday with an internal badge of rejection, I am finding the hope of wholeness in recognizing that the God who brought me into being still loves me. The One who shaped me in my mother’s womb, who breathed His breath into my body and inspired me with life…He hasn’t rejected me. He is under no delusion of how worthy I may or may not be. He sees my corrupt nature, my inadequacies, my frail attempts at fruit and my perpetual, miserable failure.
And He loves me.
Grace is a mysterious thing. A contradiction. Something so utterly undeserved, yet so freely given by the only Being who truly lives up to perfection.
Grace is the understanding embrace of a Father who hurts when I hurt, who endures when I’ve given up, who loves when I’ve fallen into bitterness.
Grace is the quiet moment when my heart is expecting the crashing thunder of judgement and, somehow, hears only the deep unfailing heartbeat of my Savior’s love for me.
I’m so weary of feeling unloved by the person whose devotion I desire. It is a heaviness that I wear around each day. As consuming as it seems, though, it isn’t the full story. Because, beyond the moment I’m in, the love of God pours down on me, covering me, saturating me.
Showing me that my life story doesn’t escape the beauty of God’s amazing, unmerited grace.
I’m so grateful that I get what I don’t deserve.
Dear Heavenly Father, I am blown away by the reality of Your love for me. That you can see who I really am and still make room for me in your heart is beyond my comprehension. Your grace is unfathomable. I – who can hardly overlook the most moderate of offenses – can’t imagine how you could accept me and forgive me and call me Your child. Please shape me to be more like You. Teach me how to see others with eyes of love and mercy. Transform and refine me so that my heart draws from Your pulse. Thank you, Lord, for Your perfect and powerful grace. Thank you for loving broken and corrupt me.