greater

the bruised ego…

the broken heart…

the empty, trampled, shattered soul that believes wholeness can’t possibly ever come again.

I have felt that…known that…believed that.

Transient, dark moments of this complicated life have found me soaking in the acidic waters of doubt and sadness and fear, and those moments have prompted me to feel convinced that an answer either isn’t anywhere close or simply doesn’t exist. It is an overwhelming feeling that clutches greedily at any ember of hopefulness that might still faintly glow…

And it’s kind of where I am right now.

If you know me or if you follow me in social media, you’re most likely pretty sure I’m happy nearly all the time. I do tend to be a positive, upbeat, silly person and I don’t like dragging other people down, so I tend to smile and move forward whether I’m joyful or feeling shredded. I want to be authentic, but I also try to deal with my issues internally. This blog, honestly, was begun out of an attempt to sort my heart and mind and soul struggles out in a slightly more public setting so I wouldn’t go crazy trying to do it all inside myself.

Every new phase of life has ups and downs…adjustments…growing pains. The downs can call back to mind past failures and stir up all manner of fears. (I wrote about that in a blog post earlier this year.)

When my first marriage began to unravel, I thought the world was ending. It wasn’t.

When I was reeling with loneliness, I thought my heart would never know love again. It did.

When I found my soul mate and we committed our lives to one another with vows and exchanged rings, I felt confident that sadness and doubt would never again come calling. They still do…

I remember being in a similar space about a year and a half ago. I was visiting the town I grew up in and made a point to attend Sunday morning services at the church I called home for most of my developmental years. Standing there, on my own and feeling weak, I listened as the worship band began a song I hadn’t heard for a while…

Into the darkness You shine…

Out of the ashes we rise…

There’s no one like You…none like You…

It connected with me. It penetrated the fog of fear and loneliness that hung about me and reminded me that I’m not the only player in this multi-act drama of living. Just because I can’t see in the dark, it doesn’t mean all is hidden. Just because the sinews of my heart feel scorched and incapable of beating again, it doesn’t mean that beauty won’t rise from the ashes. Just because I have come to the end of my power, it doesn’t mean the game is over.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God You are higher than any other.
Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God!

Today, I am trying to find that Pulse in my spiritual wrist…trying to hear that Voice in my sorrow-deafened ear…trying to watch for the Strength that will brush off the dust of my insecurity and carry me to a place of wholeness.

 

my ego has been bruised… [it can be refreshed]

my heart has been broken… [it can be healed]

my soul feels empty, trampled, and shattered… [wholeness will be made real]

I feel that…know that…believe that.

 

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