I’m sitting in my office, hiding from the world. My students are working with another teacher for a brief time and, so, I have a brief time to collect myself and catch my breath and try to face the rest of a day that I wish could just disappear altogether.
It’s this crazy path I’m on right now…tossing me between feeling absolutely destroyed and abandoned and feeling broken but hopeful. The especially complicating aspect of it all is how unexpectedly and quickly I ricochet from one extreme to the other. I wish that I could count on something…anything…as being consistent and unchanging and real.
Hiding away in my quiet place, I just picked up my phone to find some music to take my mind somewhere else. The song that started playing was How He Loves by John Mark McMillan.
He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
I feel like I’m in a hurricane…as though I have no grounding. I know what it feels like to be bent and laid low…but it feels more like devastation than love right now.
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are and
How great Your affections are for me
That is what I crave…to be unaware of my afflictions…to forget about how shattered my heart feels. My gaze isn’t in the right place to see it just yet, though. I know I need to lift my eyes…but I don’t know how to do it now.
And Oh, How He loves us so
Oh, How He loves us
How He loves us so
My prayer…whispered through dry lips and clenched teeth…is to feel that love. To know that love. To believe that it even exists. I’m lost in the need for tangibility, though. There is this love that I crave that should be right there in my house…in the heart of the woman I’m married to…in the way she looks at me and holds me and kisses me and longs for my touch.
It should be there but it isn’t and I mourn the absence…the hollow print of where it used to be. I need for God’s love to be enough right now and I know in my deepest heart that it is…but I greedily, unreasonably, fleshily want more.
We are His portion and
He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently in side of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way that He loves
I feel like I AM sinking…but it doesn’t seem like grace washing around me. It seems like fear and agony and lungs that have turned to stone so that breath can no longer come in or go out… It’s dry faith. It’s allowing disappointment to cloud my eyes to the reality of my salvation. It’s me trying to grasp onto the stuff of earth instead of allowing the satisfaction of the heavenly to sink into my broken form.
I need that love…HIS love. I know I do and I know it’s there for me…all around me…washing me and carrying me forward.
Through dry lips and clenched teeth I whisper…”come in”.