it goes

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On Sunday, November 22, at 3:00 pm, I signed divorce papers. It took about 15 minutes and just a few strokes of ink. We met in a coffee shop…much like the first time we saw each other. It seemed fitting.

On Wednesday, November 25, at 3:30 pm, we filed the papers at the county courthouse. It took about 9 minutes. It was the same courthouse where we got our marriage license about two years earlier. It seemed heartbreaking.

So many parts of the past 2 years, 8 months, and 24 days have been confusing. So many truly beautiful moments…so many heartbreaking turns. I loved as deeply as I could…as consistently as I could…as patiently as I could. And, sometimes, that love was returned. Other times, it was pushed away. I hoped that, by being deep and consistent and patient in my love, it would heal things…but it didn’t.

And, so, I sit in this house…a framework that looks familiar and feels empty…unsure of how to move forward. Every day a thousand little things trigger memories both sweet and sharp. I know in my head that things will be okay. I believe in my spirit that God is faithful. Yet, in my heart, the pain is too fresh and I’m lost.

I didn’t want this. I worked so hard to escape this. When I saw this sweet, curly-haired woman at 5pm outside a small cafe on March 3, 2013, I believed with my whole heart that God had sent her to me. I saw His handiwork all over the place and my heart was flooded with love and excitement and dreams of the next 60 years together with My Sweet Woman.

It was a losing battle, though. A drawn-out journey of disconnection and frustration and competing desires. First impressions weren’t what I thought they were. We needed different things. We had different definitions.

Last night, for the first time in quite a while, three of my children spent the night with me. We went to dinner, we flopped down on the living room floor, we laughed. They are all still asleep and I don’t want this moment to end. I don’t want them to wake and begin the process of leaving. Being left hurts too much. I know that they will return, though. Their love will stay with me.

I know in my head that things will be okay. I believe in my spirit that God is faithful. And, in my heart, I know that healing will come and pain will fade and joy will return.

I have, after all, been here before.

I know how it goes.

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