It is very cold today. Frosty windows, icy roads, breath that condenses with every exhale. It’s Winter by nearly any definition, even if we haven’t quite made it calendar-official.
There is something about the penetrating coldness of a day like this that makes me think I will never feel warm again. It burrows down into my bones…into my core. And it seems like I’m forced to move more slowly…react more slowly…in this pseudo-hibernative state.
It kinda describes my internal landscape as well.
Yesterday marked one week since I signed divorce papers. Tomorrow will mark one week since they were filed. Right now marks another day of sadness and loneliness and feeling displaced and wondering if my heart will ever feel whole again…ever feel warm again.
Time is a glacier. It’s collecting moments and events and advancing, incrementally, all the time. But its movement seems almost imperceptible. Many of the points of reference that once gave handles to my day have disappeared. I haven’t quite found my new rhythm. I haven’t quite redefined the outlines of my existence as a single man.
It will happen eventually. A time will come when Spring begins to show her edges and the hollowness of the right now become softened memories. I will be shown that the barren Winter branches weren’t so empty after all…they were cradling the unseen buds of new life. In my impatience I want it to happen now…but I know that it takes time.
Slumber takes time.
Healing takes time.
So, for now, I must be still and know.
I must be still.
Image source: Rodrigo