Sitting in church yesterday morning, I listened as my pastor asked, “Do I trust God to provide what I need?”
We have been talking about living a generous life…not just when it comes to finances and material resources…but in all aspects of our life. We have been discussing how we see Christ in our lives…how we wrestle with His assurance that He will never leave or forsake us and that nothing can separate us from His love.
And the question comes back to me again and again:
Do I trust God to provide what I need?
When my first marriage failed, did He give me what I asked for? NO.
When my second marriage was following the same trajectory, did He give me what I pleaded for? NO.
When I fell for a woman who seemed like an answer to prayer but she wasn’t ready for me, did He transform her affection and bring us together? NO.
So…really…WHAT has God provided for me? All of those prayers and so many more…ignored by the Maker of universes and Shaper of hearts…fallen on deaf ears…
How am I supposed to trust a God like that?
But all of that…all of that anger and disappointment…all of those tears and shaking fists and stubborn pleas for what I wanted… It’s all just me trying to call the shots and pretend that I know the full story. It’s all just me behaving as a spoiled child who wants his own way and isn’t willing to believe that Someone else can see the greater design of time and grace and life.
Ultimately, it is me…not trusting.
When my first marriage failed, did He breathe healing into my scorched lungs? Did He tether me to a peace that made no sense in human terms? Did He open my door to friends and family who would cry with me and pray with me and wait through dark nights with me?
So yes. So very YES.
When my second marriage was following the same trajectory, did He remind me that my failures aren’t final? Did He open doors of service and ministry that had been closed in my life for many years? Did He begin to restore connections with my children which had been bruised through my own inattentiveness? Did He prove, once again, that His grace is sufficient? Did He remind me that pain is part of life and that joy truly will return?
So yes. So very, very YES.
And, right now, as I grapple with understanding my current place of relational loss and sadness, has He shown Himself strong and unchanging? Has He lived up to His promise that He is a good Father who knows what I yearn for and loves me without condition? Has He seen my tears and heard my prayers and quietly reassured me that I don’t always get what I want…but I will always have what I truly, eternally need…in Him?
So very, very, inexhaustibly YES.
So…DO I trust God to provide what I need? DO I really believe that He will never leave me or forsake me and that nothing can separate me from His love? Well…I do…some of the time…but I hate that I forget it so quickly. I hate that I flail around faithlessly and try to grasp onto the things I want, blindly pulling them to me. I hate that I don’t always remember to wait on Him and His timing and His provision.
My pastor would say something like this: “Lord, I trust You…but help me trust You more”.
And, that’s where I am. Right now. Sitting in this space of time, trying to make sense of disappointment and confused emotions. Asking the Maker of universes and the Shaper of hearts to open my trusting eyes to see how truly…TRULY…He provides.