You know how, sometimes, a piece of a lyric will jump out at you from some song? As though the whole piece of music is fine, but there is just one line…one thought…one combination of words that strike you with an especially sharp blade?
This morning, while I was mindlessly making my coffee and packing my lunch, my Spotify playlist tossed TWO zingers at me. I record them here for future reflection and pondering…
The first comes from the song John Wayne by Little Green Cars:
You know it’s your neglect
is the reason that I’m so obsessed with you
And when I asked you your name you said John Wayne
And I guess it’s true
Coz then you shot me down
Doubled over and I hit the ground right in front of you
I guess in the Wild West
it’s ok to shoot the pest that’s annoying you
It’s easy to fall in love
It’s easy to be alone
It’s easy to hate yourself
when all your love is inside someone else
That final set of lines is what especially nailed me. Last night and this morning I have been wrestling with a lot of negative feelings about myself and this perception of unlovability that creeps in now and again. It isn’t rational…I know that I am loved. I know that I am important to the people in my life. But feelings are liars and can be so damned convincing. And when a person you feel such strong affection for is in a different place, it can feel like being shot down…and that, in turn, can make a person feel a bit lost and unloveable.
Again…these are lying feelings…but they seem real.
The second song was Wait So Long from Trampled By Turtles:
I could never pretend that I don’t love you.
You could never pretend that I’m your man.
That’s exactly the way that I want it.
That’s exactly the way that I am.
And you know that I’m doomed to repeat this
With all the bad habits that I’ve learned
I wonder about that…AM I doomed to repeat this habit I have of falling for unattainable women? IS it exactly the way I want it? If so, where does that pattern come from in my life? What are the seeds that grew into this chain of yearning and disappointment and loss?
And, so, I put these lines here to come back to at some later date. I have no answers now…just more questions and uncertainty.
Incidentally, nothing new happened in my life…things are, all things considered, going quite well. Friendships have been restored in a very pleasing way…and days seem pretty great. My thoughts just took some weird, drained turn last night and it’s difficult to shake. So, these lyrics resonate with me this morning. That’s all.