dirty and left out

Three things stand out in my mind right now…and I feel compelled to write them down.

  1. I am prone to complacency
  2. I am dirtier and more corrupt than I have the courage to admit
  3. Somehow…some glorious, inexplicable how…Jesus loves me.

This morning a friend of mine messaged me a challenge. “Put one hundred miles on your road bike before May 1.” When I told him I accept his challenge and voiced my appreciation (calling him a pushy bastard in the process), he returned, “I have your best interest in mine. And I know that you have an inclination toward complacency.”

I do. And it sickens me.

I try to pass it off as contentment, sometimes, but it’s a lie. I try to rebrand it as being long-suffering and patient, but it’s nowhere close to the truth.

I know what I should do…what I need to do…and I can talk about it for hours, but I just sit here in this space of inaction and indecision, and it accomplishes nothing. This…THIS…is not what I was created for.

Which leads me to the second point. I’ve been listening to a new Spotify playlist the past couple days, and so many songs have hit me in a place of need or vulnerability. This morning, it was Dirty and Left Out by The Almost.

There is a lyric that says:

I’ve been dirtier than you wanna know
I’ve left earlier than you’ll ever know
Why do, you wanna be all listenin’ to me
Why do, you spread your arms and tell me I’m free
Why do, you wanna be in my life
In my life

That’s me in those words. The real me who messes things up so rampantly and screws up opportunities and breaks trust and disobeys and denies and disgraces… That’s me.

Hopelessly lost in my own sin and shortcomings.

Devastatingly inadequate in eternity.

Utterly in need of a Savior.

Last night, I had a beautiful opportunity given to me. One of my oldest friends is a pastor at a local church. He was giving the message for a Good Friday service and he asked me to lead worship. I’ve been leading worship on a regular basis at my church for the past year and a half, and it is a joy. But, taking that vulnerability to a new place with unfamiliar faces is a bit uncomfortable. I haven’t been walking through life and struggle with these people…they don’t know my story and I don’t know theirs.

But, ultimately, we have the same Author. So, we are in a common narrative.

I am so glad…so grateful…that I accepted the offer.

It spoke to my soul.

It reminded me of how unworthy I am, but how merciful Christ is.

And that brings me to my third truth…that somehow…some glorious, inexplicable how…Jesus loves me.

Tomorrow is Easter. The beautiful reminder that death and graves can’t hold back the Love of our Savior. The powerful proof that, as complacent and corrupt as I am prone to be, Jesus never fails in His love for me.

For you.

For us.

And I am so inexpressibly grateful for that.


Dirty and Left Out

The Almost
Songwriter: Aaron Gillespie
Dirty and Left Out lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
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